Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
