Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
