Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
