i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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