I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
