Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
