Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
