I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
