Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
