So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
