I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
