What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
