take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
