Sober January is a disaster.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
