Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
