just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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