I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
