I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
