i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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