I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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