Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize