we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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