I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
