Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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