Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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