I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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