I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
