I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
