you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
