2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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