: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
