Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
