4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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