All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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