A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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