i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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