dude i'm inner monologue high
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
