God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
