How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
