Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
