I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line