Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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