She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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