I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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