I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
