Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
