I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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