I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
