i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
