I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
