Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
