Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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