im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
