the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
