I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
