the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
