dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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