if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
