My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
